The anti-psychotic I have been on for over 30 years is on back order at the pharmacy I use. The manufacturer may well be discontinuing it because of a lack of enough sales to make a profit. And I have had to go on a new med. And three times this week my family has experienced my anger and yelling just as if I haven’t taken any meds for days.
When I am angry and yelling I say to myself that this time I am NOT going to apologize afterward. This is THEIR fault and I will NOT back down again. Then, the next morning, when I am thinking better, I am stricken with grief at the hurt I have caused the ones I love and I apologize. For the hundredth time. I fear I have no credibility to say I won’t do it again. I fear they will have had enough and not forgive me and lock me out of their hearts and lives.
I am responsible for my actions, even though my mind is not working right and I would never do these things if my mind was working right. I have to be responsible because if I am not the whole world could do evil and claim they are not responsible.
I am responsible but not culpable. I am not guilty of intentionally hurting others because I am not responding to reality, I am responding to the distorted reality my broken mind is presenting me.
After more time on the new med I am learning that it wears off around 8pm. This is when I have been blowing up. I also noticed that stress triggers me when the med has worn off. With no stress, however, I don’t break down.
This new med has given me a new appreciation for the Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity defense. I really was not seeing and hearing and understanding what was going on. My mind “heard” my sons and my wife being incredibly disrespectful and hateful to me. Even though they weren’t. I heard what they were saying (not additional things). But my mind added the interpretation of evil intention to what they were saying.
Fortunately my family has forgiven me so far. But it is hard on them. And I don’t know what to do. I have made some progress. The second time it happened, before I blew up, I recognized the feeling that it was going to happen again. I was able to warn my wife I was spiraling down and not to talk to me (as my brain changes her words to be inflammatory to me).
Hopefully, I will one day be able to recognize trouble early enough to act to protect others from my hurtful words.
Jesus said, Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and not see the log in your own eye? The log is seeing the fault of another. The speck is the brother’s real problem – his brokenness and need. Thank you my family for forgiving my fault and helping me with my needs. I love you.
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