Sleep, Work, “Demons,” My Co-workers, My Wife, Clarity and Shame. What do these have in common? Possibly overcoming my mental illness.
My C-Pap machine and I are not getting along. I’m getting between 1.5 and 3 hours real sleep a night. The remainder of the 8 hours I’m either awake or without the C-Pap (the appearance of sleep but choking as I breath; worse than the effect of not sleeping).
Going through the day constantly wanting to go to sleep distracts me from concentrating on my work. I make mistakes and feel shame that I am too ashamed to tell anyone about.
I have had demonic-inpired feelings tell me how much they hate me and how I should hate myself; for years.
Today I admitted my struggles to my co-workers and instead of getting the rejection that the “Demons” told me would happen. I got affirmation.
My Wife’s affirmation is the most important to me, I value her opinion the most. And when I told her about my current struggles she communicated love, acceptance, safety to me. Armed with my team’s affirmation and my wife’s affirmation I tried to see what this was all about.
With the affirmations coming from work and home I dared explore the source of the “Demons.” What I discovered has been driving my self-hatred is that I am ashamed that I am not able to do my job at work. Though this shames drives me daily – the negative thoughts, the self-hate, the fear of failure – I never consciously thought of it before today.
Shame started with Adam and Eve. It has been passed down to every generation. Shame entered my life and I did not know how to deal with it. But Jesus does know how to deal with it. He has been removing it from my life through healthier thinking habits learned from my Team’s example at work. And by learning how to love from my wife’s example of the last thirty years.
Now that I know the real enemy I can concentrate on the solution and not be sidetracked by diversions from that same enemy.
Thank you Jesus for leading me. Let’s finish this healing.
I heard the following every Sunday at church when I was growing up:
9b . . . visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, and on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,
10 but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
New American Standard Bible: 1995 update. (1995). (Dt 5:9b–10). La Habra, CA: The Lockman Foundation.