Month: November 2014

The Top Five Reasons I didn’t want to take meds:

1. They didn’t work.  The professionals and my family said they worked, so why do I say they don’t work?  Some meds are outwardly calming but are inwardly ineffective in improving thinking.  Thorazine is an example.  It was used on me for seven months in Kalamazoo Regional Psychiatric Hospital because it made me more easily managed by the staff.  But it did not help with my debilitating thoughts.  I only appeared “better”.  And that appearance was sufficient for the doctors to stop their search for an “effective” drug to help me.
2. Stigma.  “Crazy” people are shunned by society.  They are looked upon as less than human.  They are shamed.  They have no credibility.  These things were what I feared would happen if I had the “mentally ill” label.  (And they did happen).  I felt the less meds I took, the less “crazy” I was.  So I took as little meds as I could.
3. Fear.  Hey, these meds mess with my brain, what are they going to do to me?  I thought my brain was who I was, what will they change me into? Who will I become?  Will I be me if I take the meds?  If they change me into someone I don’t want to be will I know it?  Will I know enough to change back?
4. Satanic lies.  The mental illness, coupled with satan’s influence, led me to believe the meds were evil and causing my mental anguish.  Satan knew if I got good meds he would lose control of me, so he did everything he could to dissuade me from taking meds.
5. I didn’t think I was mentally ill.  When mental illness affects me I don’t experience it as me changing.  I experience it as “the world around me” changing.  My wife is very sweet.  When I am experiencing mental illness symptoms I “hear” her as being condescending, sarcastic and mean spirited.  In reality she isn’t being that way, but I experience her as being that way.  Then, like in a science fiction movie, I have to realize what I am experiencing as real is not real.  I have to go against reality and I have to check my meds and see if I have missed taking them for one and a half to two days.  I have to take the right amount of meds and sit quietly for a couple hours until the meds take effect.  When I experience my wife as her normal sweet self I know the meds have taken effect.

Jesus said that if we want to be first, we need to be the slave of all.  In the hierarchy of this world’s system only one can be first.  But thank God in His system being first is available to everyone.  All of us can be the slave of all.

You may say, “I don’t want to be a slave and certainly not to all.”  Jesus said that we are either slaves to righteousness (Jesus), or slaves to sin (satan).  There is no middle ground.  If we want to know Jesus, we need to follow him and do what he does.  And that means serving everyone with unconditional love.  And, inviting them to follow Jesus with us (if they so choose).

By james.bruce.mcnaughton@gmail.com        http://i-m-4-u.blogspot.com

I grew up obeying rules and secretly (secret from myself, that is) thinking I was better than other people. At nineteen, as I was beginning a slide into depression, but didn’t know it, I was “called” into my bedroom by what I was hoping/afraid might be God. I told Him I wanted to be like the Christians in the Bible. God told me through the Bible that those who are forgiven little, love little. But, those who are forgiven much, love much. I thought I had little to be forgiven of so I told God I wanted to be forgiven of much and I thought it might be fun to sin. God impressed on my spirit, “You’re a sinner!” He wasn’t talking about your everyday church-going sinner that we all are. He meant I was vile, evil and depraved. I replied, “No, I’m not!” He said again, “You’re a sinner!” I said again, “No, I’m not!”

Then God did the kindest, most loving thing He could do for me: He “blessed” me with mental illness (that would not be correctly treated for ten years). The mental illness caused indescribable psychic pain, anguish, regret, and shame. My emotions left me (but I didn’t know it) causing me to feel like I hadn’t really talked to anyone for ten years; I literally felt alone for all of those years. And, my Pride was assaulted: I was in and out of mental hospitals, I was humiliated because I lost many jobs, I could not do some of the simplest of things (like count money), and I despised being labeled mentally ill and a failure.

Why did I call it God’s “blessing?” because that was the only way for my Pride to fall. I came to realize I was vile, evil and depraved; just like God had told me. God called me again after ten years and I grudgingly accepted Him. And God began the continuous work of changing me so that eventually I will have the beautiful loving character of His Only Begotten Son, Jesus.

But bringing me to Jesus wasn’t the only value of the pain. God allowed that pain to go deep within to allow me to care deeply about the hurts of others; to be able to empathize with others, and let others in pain know I that have hurt deeply as well. I use the pain God gave me every day in my job, as I walk alongside those dealing with mental illness. (And, I also use the pain to understand others who have experienced pain, such as my children, who were traumatized before we adopted them).

I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone. I wish I could have learned without the pain. But God used the pain to win me to Himself and change me; and help me to care about, and be willing and able to serve, others.

And for that I will forever be grateful.