james bruce mcnaughton

It took going "crazy" to discover what real sanity was

I am grateful to God for the mental illness He gave me. (But I would never want to repeat it). Looking back I was “crazier” when I was “sane” and sane now that I’m mentally ill.

Let me unpack that.

Before mental illness I wanted to be a aerospace engineer. I wanted to impress people with how smart I was. I wanted fame, fortune, power and pleasure. I had bought the whole commercial-driven American media world-view.

Most of the girls in my high school graduation class wanted to be social workers it seemed. I thought they were crazy. Helping people seemed like a colossal, boring, unrewarding waste of time.

It was at this point that God publicly invaded my private world. God told me I was a sinner, but I didn’t believe Him. What I didn’t know was that I was in love with myself, looked down on everyone else, and thought the world should serve me. That’s when God gave me mental illness. And my life and the lies I told myself, about myself, fell with a great crash. God humbled me. I couldn’t get much “lower” in superficial stereo-typed status than being intermittently locked up in mental hospitals.

For the next ten years I fought God and the meds. At the end of ten years God gave me the wisdom to take the meds. Then He sent Bonnie, who knew and loved Jesus, to tell me Jesus loved me. I wasn’t interested. Then Bonnie told me that if I rejected the love of Jesus, the only thing left for me was hell.

That got my attention.

I chose to turn around and follow Jesus.

He forgave me, loved me and gave me a heart that cared about other people. Now I am a Certified Peer Support Specialist working with others who themselves deal with mental illness. I encourage, give hope, and care. And I love it. It took most of my life to discover my life’s work. And it took going “crazy” to discover what real sanity is.

Why did I reject His love?

God did not originally prepare hell for people. Jesus said that hell was prepared for the devil and his angels. Why? Because hell protects others from being hurt by the evil of satan and his demons. Unfortunately hell is also the destiny of some people. All people (except Jesus) have rejected God at least once. They have wanted to do their own thing, be their own “god”, they have not wanted to submit to love and so they do evil to other people and to God. Jesus’ offer of forgiveness, cleansing, righteousness, and restored fellowship with His Father, is offered to all. It is God’s desire that all come to the knowledge of this truth and accept His offer. Yet some, exercising their right to freely choose, a right given by God, will not humble themselves and accept God’s free gift of life. Jesus said they do this because they love the darkness better than the light. But satan and his demons, and people who reject God’s forgiveness, will someday not be allowed to hurt anyone any more. In hell each will be alone, in darkness, with their lies stripped from their minds, seeing clearly what they have done, wondering over and over, “Why did I reject His love?”

How the threat of hell turned me to Jesus

I was told that most people initially come to God because of His love for them. I did not. I came to God because I was afraid of going to hell. Hell was an instrumental part of the gospel for me to come to Jesus. I didn’t care about Jesus’ love for me (before I came to know Him, that is). But I did care about suffering, and being condemned for eternity. When Bonnie, (who was telling me about hell) heard me say to her, “Something is telling me that this (hell) isn’t true,” she replied, “That’s satan lying to you.” I then instantly remembered a science fiction short story where someone was controlling everyone’s mind, but made them think it was their own thoughts.

Could satan be deceiving me and I not know it?

This was a pivotal question.

The stakes were too high to dismiss the possibility immediately, I had to think about it. If satan was real and the master of deceit, would he want me to be aware of him influencing my thoughts? No, he would want me to be deceived into thinking that he was not controlling me, that my thoughts were my own and that I was free to think and do what I want. He would not want me to believe in hell and know that that is where I was headed. He would tell me that hell isn’t true.

I wrestled with this “going to hell” thing for days (at least it seemed like it). Late at night, I decided to accept Jesus as my Savior. It couldn’t really be as easy as telling Jesus I was sorry for my sins (and meaning it) and accepting His death on the cross as payment (in full) to God for those sins, could it? I prayed over and over. But I didn’t “feel” saved. Finally, I said to God, “I have done what you have asked, if I’m not saved it’s your fault!” And I went to bed. I felt strangely confident that I had done the right thing. Looking back I didn’t treat God with the respect He deserves, but I did trust Him to save me. And He honors that.

If you don’t have a growing relationship with Jesus, the Master of the universe, and you would like one, ask Him for one, He is glad to reach out to anyone who calls on Him. If you do not want a relationship with Jesus you are warned. You are already on your way to an eternity without Love, without Jesus, without God. You will be alone (not partying with friends). And you will wonder over and over, “Why did I reject Him?” And that is hell.

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