Reflecting on the past I was wondering what is limiting Jesus from doing in and through me all He want to do if only I… was consistent in obeying Him. When I miss my psych meds I become angry. But that anger hurts others regardless of the cause. And it is my responsibility regardless of the cause. My wife called me at work yesterday and told me I missed my morning meds. She also reminded me I carry the most critical med with me in my backpack. She is my best friend, and saved me and others possible emotional pain. And I am so glad she has the courage to let me know when I need meds. Because when I need them the most, I might resist the idea the most.
I recently asked my wife how I was doing. She said I had been doing well. I need to keep asking her, even make it a scheduled event. I have told my supervisor at work, and my team at work, to tell me when they sense I’m “not acting right.” My supervisor has said that I usually can tell before anyone else can. Which was encouraging to hear, but I still need as much accountability, as much safety mechanisms, as I can get.
My experience with mental illness is tricky. Whether I miss my meds or not “I feel the same.” When I miss my meds the outside world changes though without me noticing. My wife becomes “sarcastic and condescending.” My sons becomes “extremely defiant.” Yet, I remain “the same.” To act on the idea that I have the problem, I have to stop believing what is real to me and imagine that what I am experiencing is not real. (It would be like you imagining, and truly believing, that you did not just read this sentence).
But Jesus helps me. My wife helps me. My sons help me. And I thank Jesus for the meds.